Who Do You Think You Are?

On February 6th, I received Jordan Peterson's weekly newsletter. It contains some Tweetable quotes, which interviews he's posted this week, an archived video of his, and a brief written thought. That week's written thought hit me hard enough that it's been sitting in my inbox, waiting for me to process it, ever since.

An optimal challenge stretches you to the end of what you could do and then into the domain of how you can transform. You have to be humble and wise enough to understand that you might have to aim pretty low, especially in those places where you are not functioning well. And it might be so embarrassing that you cannot fathom this is who you actually are. You must lose the arrogant ego because it is precisely what is interfering with your movement forward.

It is part of the adversarial process, mythologically speaking, that stops moral progress. You are too proud of who you think you are to notice what you are actually like, which prevents you from changing properly. You do not want to sacrifice that part of yourself. It is probably associated with some delusion that helps you maintain a positive, although very fragile, self-image. In the absence of genuine effort, it is not to be recommended.

You get to know who you are by watching yourself and paying attention. It is not the same as thinking, and it is not imagination either. That is the beginning, and then you challenge yourself continually to see how far past yesterday you can push today and tomorrow.

Okay, thanks, I'll just... lay here and recover for a little while.

This, of course, raised the question: Who do I think I am?

In Writing

"Ego" Image of Self: I'm a temperamental writer who is doing... mostly my best... to write the current spate of stories on my plate. I write when I feel the creativity flowing, and the best stories come from that place. I don't need to read books about writing, reading good writers is enough. I have some notoriety as a fanfiction writer, which is great. It would be okay if I was never more than that, because I have other things in my life that I enjoy doing.

Opposing Assessment: I hate my failure to write so much that it kills me to face the blank page on the days I can't feel my way forward in writing. Shame and anxiety drive me, so I let myself turn away from what I need to do. I'm absolutely not doing the best I could do and I know it and I can't stand it. I don't want to read the writing books because I'm afraid it will make me overthink how I write, hampering me in yet one more way instead of giving me good tools. If I don't grow into my gift of writing, it will haunt me til the day I die and I know this. I am better than some writers I see on the bookshelves and not as good as others, but I'm already good enough to be among them. I need to take this seriously and do something about it.

What I Want: I want to write. I want to publish. I've always said I want at least one published novel to my name, as if that would prove something to myself, but it's not enough. I want a spiderwebbed set of interconnected novels like Ursula Le Guinn has, or Ted Dekker, or Terry Pratchett. And I want it all under Creative Commons so that anyone who likes it enough can use it to get a leg up in writing and publishing themselves. I would much prefer to be a reclusive writer, as opposed to one that goes out to all the events, promoting.

In Friendship

"Ego" Image of Self: I'm a decent friend. I'm very accepting and non-judgmental. Easy-going. I do everyone a favor by quarantining myself when I'm not in a good place. I'm safe to talk to. I'm not that consistent in my contact, but I make up for it whenever we get around to catching up. I'm supportive and I tell my friends the truth. I'm no flake, I do what I say I'll do. I can carry my friends. I'm available! I'm capital "L" Loyal.

Opposing Assessment: I am scattered. I have put my energies into the wrong places so many times and deprived people who care about me of that time and attention. I am so afraid they will think I am not a good friend or a good person that I hedge what I think are my unfavorable opinions or preferences, or hide my growth. I judge hard and get angry, then shove it down because that is unacceptable. I dare not lean on friends when I'm in a bad place, lest I be any kind of inconvenience or burden, depriving them of the chance to be good friends themselves. I am not consistent in my contact, and that is a fault I must face and accept instead of minimizing it. It's more important to me that my friends think I'm a good friend than that I tell them how I actually feel if I'm upset, and always has been because if they think I am a bad friend then that clearly means I am a bad person. I'm supportive, and I tell my friends a skewed version of the truth that hyper-focuses on the positive aspects and omits anything that might rock the boat. Even after all these years, I over-commit and end up being unable to finish many things I intended to help with. I. Can. Not. Carry. People. I'm not available most of the time because I'm still trying to put my life together and I need a lot of alone time on my own terms to do that. Sometimes I have let friendships drift, or cut them off.

What I Want: I want to somehow be able to communicate to people that I am limited and cannot be everything they may hope for in a friend. I want grace and understanding for myself and I want to be able to give that back without irritation or judgment. I want good, deep conversations and an exchange of talent and ideas, but not all the time. Truthfully, I want interaction on my terms only, but that isn't good for friendship either, so I want to find a good balance that allows real friendship to grow and thrive. I want to be honest with my friends even if I have something unsettling or upsetting to say. I want to be more honest and open about my needs and preferences. I do want to be someone they can lean on, but I never want to try to carry someone again.

As a Person

"Ego" Image of Self: Basically decent, if very flawed and neurotic. A bit scattered, but who isn't? I'm very creative. Likeable, I hope.

Opposing Assessment: I'm probably not as bad as the neurotic part of my brain thinks, but I have flaws I don't want to deal with. I'm a coward. I'm judgmental. I'm lazy and undisciplined without external structure imposed on me. I'm in the process of healing, but I have a long, long way to go still. I'm scattered and I don't want to focus, because working on whatever impulse arises feels good and keeps me from having to face my failures. I'm creative, but highly undisciplined and afraid that trying to discipline myself will stifle any creativity I have. I've become much more selfish with how I spend my time, and I don't know if that is good or bad.

What I Want: I want to speak what I know (or even suspect) to be true without gut-wrenching terror and in spite of any reaction I may receive. I want to stop filtering what I say into the most acceptable form possible. I want to be an example (of what, I don't know yet). I want to be able to balance people and activities in my life without becoming so rigid I can't flex when chaos rolls through. I want to exude peace, not frenetic anxiety. I want to stop reacting out of my emotions and be able to choose the best course of action. I want humility, but not self-hatred. I want to wake up every morning and be excited that I have a day full of directed purpose ahead of me.

In Christianity

"Ego" Image of Self: Depends on the day. Sometimes, I feel impossibly far from Him. Other times, doing just fine.

Opposing Assessment: God only knows, I'm a mess over here.

What I Want: I want to learn some of the Christian disciplines. I want to hear the voice of God. I want to be able to put my foot down on this rock and know that it will not shift, no matter what is said to me and not matter what happens around me. I want God to be part of my life every day, moment by moment. I want to be able to Trust Him. I want to be able to speak about what He has done in my life, regardless of the response I get. I want an actual relationship with Him, one where we talk to each other.

I don't know where to take all that. At least now, I can move that email out of my inbox. The thought has been processed.